Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
