What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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