Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
