If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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