If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
