How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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