He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
