I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
