About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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