my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
