on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize