Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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