Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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