I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
