He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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