4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize