I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who died my cat blue again?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
