I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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