I hate all girls vehemently.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
