do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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