So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
