It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
