At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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