C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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