He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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