just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dear god my vagina.
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