You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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