i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize