dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
