My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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