well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
