Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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