I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
