I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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