my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
