i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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