Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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