I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I need to stop coming to work sober
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize