that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
