So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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