just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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