FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize