I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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