i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
