My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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