I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
