I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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