My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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