I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
