that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
