Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
