you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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