I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
