Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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