I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i came on her dog
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
