Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Randomize
