having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
