I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
